Putting far too much pressure on the writing, and so the page stays blank, the months tick by, and the whole reason this little corner of the internet was brought into being in the first place becomes moot. As a remedy, some fragments from the year so far -

I am thinking about the people I probably won’t see again. The people I complained about, that I avoided in the kitchen. The people I know so much about - useless knowledge that I’m scared will dissipate into thin air as soon as the last box leaves the house.

I am thinking about the relationships that will change. T and I’s - my buoy in this churning uncertainty. H and E - the garden nook making way for condo balconies and Main street bars. Having the courage to reinvent those relationships. Having the courage to forge the life that you want, rather than just letting it wash over you while pretending that it’s not that you’re scared of taking risks, of putting yourself out there, it’s that you’re perfectly content just to go with the flow.

Knowing also that that’s not the full picture. That I have reinvented myself a million times over, have not been afraid to look at myself (no flinching). I assign a disproportionate amount of power to my intuition. I see change as a marker of progress, to a fault.

I guess I am thinking about agency. My self as having agency, as long as I keep the conduit between my inner and outer selves strong. Have the outer and inner self work together in perfect harmony; the outer bringing to life the desires of the inner, the inner willing to compromise when the situation requires it.

And, I am ready to embrace the uncertainty. I’m looking at a messy block of clay, spinning violently on a wheel. Flecks of clay are flung through the room, the clay spins so fast all I see is a blur of burgundy swirls. I roll up my sleeves and start shaping.