I have observed that the dynamics around the boat have been causing me a lot of stress. I am trying to understand where that is coming from.

I think it’s a combination of a lot of things:

• I have always found D&H to be very aloof. Their aloofness can easily be interpreted as a haughtiness, and that’s compounded by things I have heard both of them say in the past, past behaviours I’ve observed in them both, and the imbalance in knowledge and expertise that exists between them and the rest of our crew.

• Recent communication from them has implied that they feel we are not pulling our weight on the boat. I find the way that things are communicated sometimes pretty triggering (I’ll get to that later), and I can find myself wanting to prove them wrong, and putting a lot of pressure on myself. I also find myself feeling quite resentful of their attitude. Ultimately, I feel disrespected by how I imagine they view me and T.

• There have been a couple of little flash points recently. The missing drill bits, the lack of communication in the chat at times, learning knots.. It doesn’t help that most of the communication is done over text, and we rarely spend time working on chores on the boat together.

• To the “triggering” point: All of these dynamics don’t mesh well with my fear of getting told off or disappointing people (growing up around very angry and strict parents), my tendency to anticipate or overthink people’s emotions, and my general tendency to react very poorly to any perceived disrespect. It does seem to be one of those lessons that keeps rearing its head, and this is an opportunity to try and do things differently.

• Ultimately, the boat is an incredibly special thing, and I love our crew. If any of the crew were to leave, it would make the experience less fun. I also care about D&H, and would not be able to do this without them. They have been generous with their time, and are probably also dealing with their own complex feelings about the knowledge imbalance on the boat. Ultimately, everyone is trying their best.

  Next steps for me:

  • Have “no whatsapp” portions of the day. Instead of being constantly available, only check your phone at dedicated slots when you have time to intentionally reply to messages.

  • Remain respectful in your communication with D&H. Do not let tension seep into the group dynamics.

  • Let the knowledge that you are trying your best and are a valued member of the crew fill you with confidence and self-esteem.

  • Get out of your head about all of this.