I’ve been in a sort of intense headspace recently. I’m feeling good about myself, but in a competitive way. It’s positive - I’m mostly competing with myself, and thoroughly enjoying what it feels like to let go of limiting beliefs about yourself and trying to push towards dreams that would have felt lofty a year ago. For example: I want to climb the Chief, on trad. I want to become good at painting, so that I can document my life without always having to rely on screens and expensive technology. I have been climbing hard and painting whenever I can. I’m so happy and proud of myself for that! Work is going well too. I just need a little more spice; a little more time outside, alone; a little wildness.

Things I think I want from my relationship but that I feel are missing right now:

• Playful texting

• Telling each other we love each other through small gestures

• Pushing ourselves to be better

• Fun

• Going on adventures together

• For things to feel easy

• Deep and meaningful conversations that feel authentic

Special relationship moment: T showing me Baldur’s Gate 3 songs, us dancing around in the kitchen singing Yabi Gabi. Learning how to juggle together. Biking to and from R & S. Cuddling on the couch at R & S. Drinking a beer and getting an ice cream by the dog park. Holding him for a long time in complete silence, after his hard day at work and on the boat. Watching him get an interview for an exciting job, and really hoping he gets it.

A sudden flash of clarity: a life I want, for myself. No longer seeing him in it. A possibility he is not compatible with. Do I hold on to this?