I’m going to try and do justice to the realization I’ve just had about my life, but it will likely be difficult to put into words. I’ve realized what this period of my life is about: I realized that the life and identity I’d built for myself, and myself around, no longer aligned with my values and understanding of the world and the power structures that underpin it. So I have been going through a drawn-out period of restructuring my life, piece by piece, to something I can feel good about. In the last few months, a clear theme has emerged in the art and literature I’ve consumed and continue being drawn to. Disco Elysium, Limmy, Irvine Welsh, Soviet literature and history, Hal Ashby’s work. The theme is clear: the collapse of one revolution, forever changing how we relate to one another and to the natural world (which we, of course, are just as much a part of as any other bug, star or tree - the trouble is we keep forgetting). This is what I care about. I want to take the same internal forces that pushed me towards the development sector in the first place, and redirect them locally. I have a lot of learning to do, and I’ve always felt discouraged by that, always feeling like I’m catching up or not confident enough to speak up. But I’ve realized that if I look at the last ten years, it has been a slow deconstructing of my life - not a small feat. I’m finally reaching the phase now where I can build up again: learn, get involved, get citizenship, vote, volunteer, consume less, find a place with a yard. Activate.